IndexIt is currently 02:04am. I have work at 9am and I am tired. However, this new idea that I've just spent the last however many hours working on is keeping me up. I think I'm looking forward to this. It's a kind of technological diary. It shall be interesting to see how it develops.
I feel like I should give context to my current state of life. Who knows, I'll probably forget some of the details if I don't write them down. I am currently in between my 3rd year and my second attempt at 3rd year of Uni. My hair has been dyed pink 2 days ago. It's very vibrant right now. I am single, by my own hand, and without regret. The only loss is my ex's parents were, without a doubt, wonderful, kind and caring people. I wished I could have had them stay in my life but no, I think it's for the best. My future is looking uncertain. Every day that goes by, Esports feels less and less welcoming but I shall see. I have to make it through my final year (again) first. Although, I should probably look at various options come January/February. The last 8 weeks or so have been...rough. Grandad dying, the whole failing the year stuff. The funeral was a nice. It was a nice service and there was something oddly satisfying with how I got myself there. I did need a little help getting back on time but not everything can go to plan. Life is throwing things at me right now, I'm not sure which ones to take and which are distractions. Or worse, which can cause me problems. On a happier note, I hit my 12 (I think) day streak on Duolingo to learn Chinese. I also discovered the true extent of the University's Yammer board. This is 100% something I'm going to have to investiate further. I also saw an advert on Jobshop for a potwash. Well, "Kitchen Assistant". Maybe I will go for it, its 20 hours a week and it will be easy money. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Meeting new people and seeing how they interact with the world just kind of causes a bit of thinking about myself. I really don't know how this year is going to go. I have so many options and opportunties, I just don't know where to put my attention. It's daunting. The feeling of loneliness is getting worse, it's strange, there have been events that would suggest I am indeed valued by others. But it just isn't hitting home. I feel as though I'm going to either be abandoned or push others away. Something tells me it's going to be both but that could just be the pessimist within me. Time will tell.
"A spark is all I need" - Zeri, The Spark of Zaun